The Horror of Accidental Spider-Drinking

Yesterday, I drank a spider.

I should have seen this coming, really. Over the past several weeks, spring has made itself known here in Newcastle, and summer doesn’t seem to be far behind. I noticed it not in the sweet smell of warm sun on fresh grass, not in the onslaught of ripe red strawberries at the farmers’ market, nor in the whipping wind that sent sand flying into every fold of my ears.

Nobby's in Newcastle

Wind makes your hair and clothes so flattering, doesn’t it?

I noticed it in the bugs.

First, it was flies. One fly became two, two became three, and I became vigilant about shutting the screen door again. Next it was spiders – daddy longlegs holding court in the corners of our bathroom ceiling. I grew tired of asking Jared to dispose of them and eventually relented to his claims that they’d help keep away the mosquitoes.

Because if there’s anything I hate, it’s mosquitoes, but they haven’t made an appearance yet.

Worse than spiders, though, worse than flies, and possibly – possibly – even worse than mosquitoes, is the third type of loathsome creature that has invited itself into our home.

The cockroach.

I get the heebie jeebies just typing it. Yes, we have cockroaches. No, it’s not because we’re messy. Our building is old, and they nest (EW) in the walls. I saw two when we moved in, but nothing again until recently – a giant one on the back of our bedroom door (DOUBLE EW) that I forced Jared to attack and kill immediately. It seems that assuming the fetal position on the bed and moaning softly is a good tactic to convince your significant other that it’s easier to just kill the cockroach.

The mammoth roach was followed by a handful of smaller ones in the kitchen, all of whom escaped into a crack in the wall that is invisible to the naked eye. It’s either a crack or a portal to a horrible, horrible world that I want nothing to do with.

When I saw one crawl across our carpeted floor, it was the last straw.

We have since installed bay leaves and cockroach bait in various nooks and crannies. I’m pleased to announce that I  vacuumed up the first dead one this afternoon.

But let’s get back to the spider.

Spider

SIKE. This is a dead one I found on the driveway. The one I almost drank was a run-of-the-mill daddy longlegs.

Jared and I are kind of like the little girl in that alien movie with pre-ranting maniac Mel Gibson. I can’t think of the title. Anyway, the little girl leaves half-full glasses of water all over the house and her family nags her about it, but in the end her forgetfulness actually vanquishes the aliens. TAKE THAT FAMILY.

Real life doesn’t work that way.

I shuffled into the kitchen, picked up at random what appeared to be an empty glass, and filled it with water. I dropped a fizzy vitamin tablet inside and waited a few minutes for it to dissolve. Then I absentmindedly picked up the glass and took a sip while my attention was focused on scrolling through my iPad.

What’s that? I wondered. Something long and hard was on my lip, having ebbed partway in my mouth out of the glass.

Is that grass? Or some sort of herb?

I stopped drinking and inspected the liquid’s surface.

Huh, I thought. Several pieces of grass.

I reached in to remove the offending particles.

It’s weird how they’re all kind of stuck together in this central locationOHMYGOD IT’S A SPIDER I DRANK A SPIDER.

I pivoted and dumped the whole concotion into the sink, then spent several minutes spitting and making general noises of disgust.

So many questions came to mind, none of which I really needed to know the answer to. Did the spider crawl into the glass before I filled it? After? Did it drop onto my head while I was in the bathroom and ride all the way to its death in the kitchen? I don’t know.

I do know that I no longer trust the sneaky, sneaky creatures of Australia.

Constant vigilance will be necessary.

Tawny Frogmouth

Tawny Frogmouth is watching.

13 Responses to “The Horror of Accidental Spider-Drinking”

  1. Hilarious as usual, Lauren!

    • Today I killed a giant cockroach that was climbing up the wall. It was moving like it was drunk, so I’m sure it was dying from the bait but it was still awful. Almost worse than the spider incident.The impending summer makes me nervous.

  2. Aggghhh! The downside to sunny Oz! I’ve seen a fair few cockroaches too, but thankfully they were only babies. The huntsman I spotted the other day is a different story!

  3. Lauren, you better believe I just inspected the glass of wine I’m drinking as I read your story. Yikes…but to be 100% honest it was the part about the roaches that scared me most. I hate those evil things, especially because my fear of them defies logic.

    • I’m with you. If it had been a cockroach in my water, I’d still be convulsing in the fetal position, probably unable to drink water from a glass ever again. They disgust me and I’ve just come to the point where I can kill the big ones by myself – because they cannot, under any circumstances, be allowed to live.

  4. *gag
    I’m so sorry this happened to you

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